Catholic Dads

My first child is only 17 months old. She is beautiful, and the last 2 years have taught me more about human beauty than any other period in my life. It is a steep learning curve and I wanted to share with other Catholic Dads, what my experience of this transition has been.

I never grew up with a father; my parents had separated when I was very young and I really only met my Dad when I was already 16 years old. In many ways I must feel grateful for this, because at least I do not suffer from the burdens and insecurities of a poor relationship. However, it inevitably means that I was apprehensive about being a father myself, especially to a tiny little girl. I found myself unsure even of what the role of the father was.

So, I had to go back to basics. Luckily and by Grace, I had returned to full communion with the Catholic Faith shortly after my marriage and about 2 or 3 years prior to the birth of my daughter. This gave me great confidence in a supernatural help: Our Heavenly Father and the great Saints of the Church who can teach us to be good temporal fathers. I realised that one of the most important virtues of a good father was humility; in particular we must acknowledge the primacy of our Heavenly Father, and therefore recognise that our own nurturing role is transient and entrusted to us. An excellent example of this is St Joseph, our special Patron. In using him as a model, we see that he could not claim sole stewardship of Jesus. Although he had a position of authority and leadership over the family, his role was given by Grace, and was transient in nature. He could not even claim complete fatherhood of Jesus by the flesh, and so became an adoptive father. Certainly, if God was to allocate such an important role to anyone, St Joseph must have possessed very special qualities. But that did not stop him from initially displaying apprehension, fear and doubt. It took a special message from God to give him confidence in his allotted mission; the sort of message which only a godly, upright man would have been receptive to. We know little else about St Joseph, the carpenter, following Jesus’ birth, except what the scriptures recall about the strength he displayed by fleeing with his family to Egypt in Christ’s infancy, which must have been an incredibly courageous act to protect his family.

I began praying very specially to St Joseph, a very simple prayer: “Obtain for me from God, whatever Grace is necessary to be a loving, just and effective father.” I certainly knew that St Joseph would know exactly what to pray for! I believe that this intercession has helped me greatly. Perhaps the fact that St Joseph is Patron of the Universal Church is also a great comfort, since I spend much of my time worrying about the state of the Church. But whatever the outward faults the Church displays, the important nurturing motherly role She has for us is in the distribution of the Sacraments, the Life of Grace. The spiritual benefits from this are endless, and I feel essential, to form a strong fatherly character based on the life of the Trinity. After all, if God consists of a Fatherly relationship augmented by the love of the Holy Spirit, then we must too share in this divine life to bring our relationships to their fullest.

The initial stage of being a father began when I joyfully discovered my wife was pregnant. I needed to discover more deeply one of the most essential aspects of being a Dad: being a good husband. Supporting my wife, even if it was just propping her feet up with pillows, was suddenly indispensable! It made me realise how interconnected the relationships are in a family. Also during the pregnancy I found it important to feel a connection with the abdominal bump! The bonding and love began as soon as I knew I was a Dad. We know quite well that a newborn baby will recognise the voices of those around them, and so talking to the bump had sound foundation in developmental psychology!

The birth of our daughter was an experience in itself, but albeit to say, as any father will testify, the feeling of holding a newborn baby in one’s arms, and the knowledge “THIS IS MINE!” is enough to shake the foundations of the human heart to their core! My wife’s delivery was not without complication, and I actually found myself alone with the baby, cradling her little body and keeping her warm. It must be one of the most primordial urges of Man to do so. I knew very few lullabies, and so I found myself singing liturgical Latin, which was the only thing I really had much experience of singing. Already I think my daughter recognised it!

I wrote a short account of my initial thoughts of being a father on my blog, and won’t repeat them here. But I would add that beginning paid employment when my daughter was 6 months old (after completing my medical degree) shed light on the other important aspect of fatherhood: that of provider. It is a luxury, and also a sacrifice, that my wife has remained at home to become a ‘full-time mum’. It is therefore not far-fetched to assume she is the principal carer, certainly in the practical sense. I derive immense gratitude then, that I am able to support my family in this way, and see my wife develop as a loving mother each day. It is important, I feel, for a father to step back and give the responsibility to the mother of knowing the child most intimately, and trusting her judgement to know what is right in the heart of the home.

On a lighter note, I feel a Dad should be fun, energetic and playful. There is also the stern disciplinary side of parenting; my own father was a headmaster and would certainly have given me a strong grounding in that if he had been given the chance! Seriously though, I think ‘gentle discipline’ is an attractive concept, although I admit I have much to learn. For now I see myself become warm and nurturing, and learning how to enjoy myself in the simplest way since I was a child myself. For strong relationships to grow, I think warm and healthy activities must be promoted. Swimming was an early one for us, and is a useful metaphor for how to support and allow a child to strengthen and mature.

It may be of interest to some to know that over the preceding months we had received a lot of prayer support just from having our life enshrined on a blog! An intrusion of privacy to some, but a wonderful mystical support network for us. The Litany for the Doyles will, I’m sure, come in handy for the next (God willing) child!