Ephesians 5:21-32 (click here for it) is about Christ and the Church and husbands and wives. Some think it is controversial. I have found it beautiful and profound. The controversy comes in the instructions to wives to be subordinate to their husbands.
I find the whole controversy a bit of nonsense. The passage starts with a command to be subordinate to one another, and the most revolutionary part of the passage is the Christian call for husbands to love their wives to the point of giving his very life. That is what it means to be a Christian husband. It is a call from God to be a pathway for making your wife holy. It certainly isn’t about gender politics.
So, Catholic Dads and all married men. the challenge is there. You are the head of your household, but that means something profound. It involves submission to your wife and putting her first. It means the ultimate love and the ultimate sacrifice. Your task is the sanctification of your wife and your family, just as Christ sanctifies the Church.
In marriage, we do not live only for ourselves – but we are called to be Christ to one another, and we husbands are called in a special way to lay it all down for our wives. When a man fails to hold this up as our goal, is when a marriage is in danger.
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Dear Rob,
This passage is controversial because it raises a host of thorny issues for women. Now you seem like a great guy, but not all men are like you. Many men, in fact, beat, verbally abuse, cheat on, and neglect their wives. To take an increasingly common example: Let's say a man has a pornography addiction, which is straining the family's budget and ruining the spousal relationship. Let's even say that said addiction is so bad that this husband is not doing well at work, not bringing home enough pay, and in general, neglecting his wife. Does the wife still just submit? Or does she give her husband some ultimatums? Does she have the authority to do this? Or is this situation just her unfortunate cross to bear? In what circumstances do we grant women any measure of autonomy in deciding what is best for the family? And what do we do in more extreme cases, where the husband beats mother and child, or rapes his spouse, etc.?
So, the reason this passage is controversial is that men don't always hold up their end of the bargain, and it looks like women are just left in the cold as a result. If this is not so, please explain why. And please make sure that your explanation goes beyond the fact that the passage is normative for both spouses. My worry is about how to apply this teaching when the male is openly refusing to follow the norm St. Paul prescribes.
There are husbands and wives whose sin makes things difficult for their spouses, directly or indirectly. Sometimes, so much that they must physically separate. Though we remain married and must be committed to our spouse through better or for worse, sickness or health, richer or poorer – even if we cannot do so while physically together because of abuse.
That life is messy does not change the gospel. It still says what it says. Husbands must love their wives as Christ loves the Church. Women must love their husbands as the Church does Christ. Both spouses are called to submit to one another. These messages are given together – not in isolation. We are called to model Christ and the Church in love. My point is and remains that all of the translating this into gender politics distracts from what the message really is.
The gospel message is not always easy. Sometimes it is hard indeed. Loving as Christ loves is hard. Trusting as the Church does is hard. Sometimes it is so hard, and we let so much sin into our lives, we just can't do it. Sin is what causes the controversy, not the gospel. Whether it is the sin of our spouse, our own sins (including pride).
By the way, the real revolution in Paul's time was for husbands to love their wives as deeply as Christ does the Church. This was huge. But that does not take away from the converse that wives should love their husbands like the Church loves Christ.
As for husbands using this verse to bully their wives. That is foolishness in the extreme and violates the whole message. I have a hard enough time dealing with my call here. I think it best to let my wife hear her call and follow as best she can discern. Bullying, is certainly not part of the gospel call.
Spousal abuse happens. Some men beat, verbally abuse, cheat on, or neglect their wives. These behaviors are not confined to men. Yet we do not hear claims that men should ignore this passage because some wives have not acted as they should. Rob is correct in noting this as gender politics.
The truth is, marriage is statistically the safest relationship for women. Abuse happens more often in dating or co-habitating relationships than in marriage. Study after study has shown that marriage presents women more stability in physical safety, financial well-being, and emotional support.
The passage in Ephesians places obligations on both husband and wife. It does not say their either is excused from their obligation because the other does not perfectly hold their own side.
This is not a prison sentence though. There are cases in severe circumstances that a spouse must seek separation for his/her own safety.
There are also plenty of cases where a dedicated spouse has been the loving example that lead to the other spouse's repentance. It takes patience and perseverance though. As Rob said, the gospel doesn't claim to be easy.
Thanks for your reply. I do not think that I engaged in any "gender politics"; I asked an honest question about what authority–if any–you think women have to determine what should be done when a spouse is openly flouting the norms that St. Paul prescribes for men. It sounds like you think women do have some authority and measure of autonomy to make decisions for themselves and their children when a husband is abusive and/or neglectful–she can seek separation, and while you don't mention it, the Church does in fact recognize abuse as grounds for annulment of a marriage. And while it is true that a women can abuse her husband, we all know the statistics on how rare that is.
At any rate, most of the controversy that surrounds this passage has to do with the fact that it has been used historically (along with the passage about slaves submitting to their masters that follows it) to perpetrate real oppression of women (denying us the vote, treating us under the law as property, etc). We don't need to go over that history, we all know it. I think the right response to this situation is to take on board the legitimate reasons why this passage strikes fear in the hearts of women, while at the same time acknowledging its true meaning. There is a truth here to be witnessed to, but at the same time we do the Church no service by pretending that the controversy is just made up by a bunch of angry feminists.
I'm a traditional Catholic (I accept all of Church teachings happily), and so is my husband, and we have struggled to understand this passage. I can only imagine how your average cafeteria Catholic feels about it. We will not change hearts and minds if we don't take on board people's legitimate fears and worries about passages like these.
I am certainly not accusing you of anything. I am sorry if I gave that impression.
I actually agree with your points, but don't think the extreme cases are a reason to make this "controversial" or sensitive. Just because there are shades of gray doesn't mean there isn't black and white.
When we talk about Christian marriage, I get that this passage is difficult – but for both partners. The everyday person in the pew is not suffering abuse. This should not strike fear nor be controversial, but I get that it is hard and something we may not want to do (like turning my cheek or loving my enemy).
Part of my objection to the idea that many who call this "controversial" (and claim that Paul is misogynistic) are actually seeking to undermine the faith and promote a secular agenda.
Of course there are many, many people who seek to undermine the faith. And let's face it, they've done a great job. And that's why I think it is important to meet people where they are, and take on the fact that for many people Church teaching about marriage and the family is controversial (I think upwards of 90% of all practicing Roman Catholics contracept, for example) In my own case, when I entered the Church (convert from atheism at 19), I still had many misgivings about Catholic teaching, especially in regard to women. I just didn't understand why women couldn't be priests, why pre-marital or homosexual sex was wrong, why women couldn't take the pill, etc. It took me about seven years to come around to seeing the truth behind all of these teachings, and I now believe them wholeheartedly. But my point is that telling people that it's simple or black and white doesn't help when they are in the place I was almost a decade ago. It just further alienates them.
There are good arguments for Church teaching. But we have to be patient with people and accept that at this point the majority of Catholics find themselves in the position of the disciples who responded to Christ's message in resignation:
"This saying is hard; who can accept it?"
I don't think it is a coincidence that the Church put this passage from the Gospel of John after the Ephesians passage last Sunday.
And while arguments are important (we are rational animals, after all), we still must recognize that arguments don't necessarily change hearts. What changes hearts is prayerful witness to the Gospel.
Every three years the "problem" of Ephesians 5:21-32 reasserts itself. Most Catholics are unaware of the importance of the passage to the not just Matrimony but three other sacraments: Baptism, Reconciliation, and Orders. Also there's a tendency for the first two or three sentences to overshadow the rest of the passage insofar as marriage is concerned. See the recent article in Holmiletic and Pastoral Review: <a>
Here's the link for the post above:
Article link
I was searching for an article to post and send to my contacts on Fathers/Husbands etc….yours was far the best I came across..I wanted sonething short and to the point, most don't want to read long winded articles or replies, like I hope my doesn't get….But I read a lot of the other replies and my response is….
Most marriages offend God because they are not godly and why? Because if we weren't trying to be godly when we were single, it surely will not happen when we get older…therefore most of us who are ungodly people choose ungodly people for their spouse and then the two shall become ungodly together….and only through the grace of God and our response can it all fall back into the Sacrament it was intended to be….So, if your marriages are failing …GET GODLY now, for yours, your spouse and your children sake!
I know it's true, because I was an ungodly mess and until I said YES, to God, and although my husband hasn't yet…..God is changing me every day to be godly, it isn't easy, by no means, but hopefully my husband will follow my lead, through my constant prayer, fasting and charitable deeds.
So take the PLUNGE…Get godly!
GOD BLESS!