My friend Moira has a new baby and she is feeling rather overwhelmed. Her little boy is fussy, aggressive, restless, and she feels unable to cope. Moira’s even said that “perhaps this motherhood thing isn’t for me.” Naturally, I’ve done my best to reassure her. In point of fact, she’s a fine mother who couldn’t be more loving or attentive to her child. A lot of the problem is that her first child is a boy, and they are routinely more restless than girls. (It is my fondest wish for new mothers to have the girl first, so as to get used to babies in general, and then have the boy and get used to trouble.) But much of the problem is that she feels isolated and alone. Her mom had lousy maternal instincts, most of her friends are still single and none of the others have had any kids yet, and the advice she reads on-line is both dogmatic and contradictory, so she hasn’t much of a support system. Of course, she feels she can count on me, but I’m a Dad and much of what she’s going through are distinctly motherly self-doubts. Perhaps the best thing is that she’s begun making friends with some of the other moms in our parish, and so I see this as a low spot she is going through, rather than a real crisis. (Of course, an extra prayer or two from a Catholic Dad wouldn’t hurt things one bit.)
Now, Moira and I are very close friends but, while he’s a fine fellow and I count him as a friend, her husband and I are not close enough for me to presume to offer him any unsolicited advice. Were he to ask, however, this is what I would say to him, as well as to any other new dad:
1] Your wife feels overburdened. A child is a crushing responsibility and, however much you might feel this, a mother inevitably feels it more strongly. She needs help with the baby but, just as important, she needs to feel she can count on you. Doing a few extra things around the house for her will free up some of her time but, more importantly, the feeling of her burden being lightened will be a spiritual comfort to her. Make sure she sees you doing more now than you did before!
2] Perhaps without being aware of it, every new mom feels that it’s her duty to be with the baby night and day. But she needs time for herself, time away from the baby, and she probably won’t let herself have this. It’s not enough that you hold the baby so that she can cook or clean, at least once a day you need to take the baby out for a walk, or down to the basement, or just away, so that she can have a break for at least a quarter-hour. (Also, you need alone time with the baby!)
3] Don’t second guess her. Until children can walk, talk, and be faced with moral decisions, their primary care giver is their mother. She’s the one with them all day, she’s the one faced with the decisions, don’t question her choices. Feeding patterns, nap time, bathing schedules are all her domain and let her run it. Babies need nurturing, not discipline, and no one nurtures like a mom. Your judgement and input are really not needed until the child is old enough to throw a tantrum and then it is your duty, not mom’s, to be the heavy.
4] Your wife needs reassurance. She is a wonderful mom. She is doing all the right things, but she feels that things are turning out wrong nonetheless. You can’t tell her often enough that she’s a wonderful mom, that you appreciate all she does, and (of course) that you love her. Father Andrew Greeley (not a man I often agree with) once said: “The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” I believe he is right.
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Outstanding tips! Thank you.
There's much good here. Especially #4. I think every mother wants to hear this.
#3: Whoa, whoa, whoa. How did we get that the only thing a father can do is discipline?
Having no "input" would be good advice, I think, in a family in which the mother is strong and certain and the father is uninvolved — except that it's so sad for the father to be uninvolved! What a starved, barren relationship, in which a father's primary role is to tell the child what to do and punish him if he doesn't do it! Children, especially boys, grow up lonely for Father. I am determined not to let that happen with mine.
I've already had tremendous impact. If I hadn't been strongly for the Ferber method, I fear baby boy would be sleeping in our bed now, and my wife would be dead of exhaustion. When he was losing weight, I insisted that we feed him what he wanted, not what seemed reasonable to us. Of course, the main impact I have is in day-to-day: changing him, feeding him, holding him, playing with him, showing him things, making him giggle, doing his physical therapy with him, taking him places. I'm not as crucial to his survival as she is, but it's not just her show with me as an occasional walk-on. Nor does she want it to be.
Forget just doing the dishes, or an occasional break. We can do so much more.
Erratum: when he was losing weight, I wanted to feed him at the high end of "enough." "As much as he wanted" was earlier, when he was underweight (as DS children tend to be) but gaining normally. He's fine now.
Great suggestions, all.
Regarding "Your wife needs reassurance", I would say this is especially true for couples who have mutually agreed prior to baby's birth to exclusively breastfeed.
It's important for dads to know that for some (many? most?) women, breastfeeding isn't easy to get the hang of, which can cause great consternation (not to mention discomfort) for Mom.
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I also like 1, 2, & 4 but not #3. That one makes it sound that because mom's are thought to be the primary nurturers, the father isn't needed for emotional support and is only there to give mom a break every now and then.
My experience was that my involvement was just as necessary as my wife's. I was responsible for overnight feedings when my daughter was an infant. I changed her and bathed her. My involvement did not mean my wife was incapable. My wife is a great mother and had more experience with babies than I did.
But my involvement gave one an advantage that my inexperience with babies lacked. I may not have known much about babies, but I knew my daughter and that made my input valuable when my wife did not know what to do (which will happen to all first time moms).
This is one area where I say don't fall for the stereotype. Fathers can be masculine and be involved and nurturing. My daughter is 3 now. When my she gets hurt, her first words are "I want my Daddy." When we take her to the doctor, I'm the one that is able to comfort her. It has been that way since she was an infant. At a few months old, she had croop. I held her for 24 hours in a mist-filled room to help the symptoms because she was just more comfortable when I held her.
So my advice to replace #3: Be involved. Dads should do overnight feedings (breastfeeding moms can pump). Change diapers (eww). Get baby ready for bed at night or get the baby out of bed and ready for the day in the morning.
And here is a Jason's secret weapon that will let dad accomplish #1 and 2:
When you run errands, take your baby with you. Yes, alone. Going to the store for a loaf of bread? Load up the car seat and take him or her along. Even if breastfeeding, the baby does not need to be with mom every minute of the day. Admittedly, these trips are easiest right after feeding junior.
The doctor thing is another secret weapons. Moms (especially 1st time moms) are sensitive to their baby's pain. Check ups are appointments. Arrange your schedule and the appointment so you can go. During those vaccinations, let mom leave the room and be the one who holds and comforts your child.
A new baby is not just mom's job. Be involved. I thought I was doing a few simple things to help my wife. The reward of my relationship with my daughter is more than I could have imagined. And it all started with being involved from the moment she was born.
Dutchman,
You mentioned that you do not feel comfortable offering unsolicited advice to the dad.
I encourage you to strike up a friendly conversation. You are the voice of experience. Phrase it in a friendly way, like, "I know babies are overwhelming, can I give you a tip?" Frame it in terms of the benefits for him. "Your wife will appreciate you for the help and your son will quickly learn to rely on you."
Advice that I suggest to all new fathers (that I received from an experienced father) is another Daddy's secret weapon for fussy or collicky babies. Dad should take off his shirt and baby's shirt. Lay down with baby face down on your chest (recliner is great too) and cover both of you with a blanket. It is very soothing to the baby and for some reason this trick works better with Dad than with Mom (especially with colic). It also is supposed to help prevent colic. Something about the body heat and your breathing motion relaxing the baby. All I know is that I did this with my bottle-fed daughter and she never got colic.
I've passed it on have gotten universal positive responses. It also helps get dad involved if they aren't already.
It can also be *baby* who needs breastfeeding lessons. Ours did! And it was exhausting, finger-feeding him every 2 hours or so, with my wife also having to pump.
Eventually, after being up at every feeding (she *had* to be, to pump), I said, I can't do it any more. And she took the late shift (3-9 or so) solo. But we were both essential to his survival from right there.
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