I seem normal.
I am the average guy you see in the pew each week. I am married, I have two young daughters, my career is established, I am very active in my church and community. As matter of fact, I am an upcoming leader within my church.
I seem normal, except that I am addicted to pornography.
The usual response to this statement? Well, the response runs the gambit but is usually followed by a snicker. Most people don’t believe it is an addiction. Some argue it is a natural instinct to look at the opposite sex in a sexual way and that masturbation is a God given right.
So how do you get addicted to porn? There are many reasons which we may cover in more detail later. However, many people don’t realize that addiction often switches or morphs from one fixated object to another. It is not uncommon for an alcoholic that has successfully gained sobriety to accidently become addicted to drugs or vice versa. You would be surprised what addiction can encompass – alcohol, drugs, overeating, compulsive computer gaming, and even pornography or sex. I have heard many relate it to a giant “Whack a Mole” game from one of our childhood arcades. You lick the addictive action and it pops up somewhere else.
So, why have many not heard of this problem?
Well, this particular addiction is shamed based and recovery is not embraced by many. Unlike someone recovering from drugs or alcohol, I have to keep my recovery a secret for the addiction is greatly misunderstood. If my addiction ever was made public, my friendships, position in the church, and even my livelihood could be at risk.
My pastor put it best when he explained this to me…
“When you mention sex or pornography addiction, the first thing that comes to mind for many is a sexual predator or pedophile. That is rarely the case. These men I see in and out of confession, these men I see truly struggling, are wrestling with an obsession to lust, pornography, and sex – not small children.”
I soon realized that he was right and fear of discovery hamstrings the recovery of many. The addict is so ashamed, so unsure of where to go, and so afraid they will be ostracized that they don’t seek help. Many addicts don’t even know where to start.
Let me give you a little context behind this quote and an idea of the size of this problem. This quote was from a conversation three years ago. My pastor was trying to establish a 12-Step program, outside the normal ministry chain of command, who could operate anonymously within our church. At this time, he was engaging me and one other to help establish a support group.
My pastor had told me there was a huge need in the parish. The amount of men struggling and coming to him for guidance was alarming. I remember one statistic I had seen at the time was that roughly 30% of men sitting in Sunday Service actively struggle with pornography addiction or are showing strong signs of addiction.
Now I believe the problem is no longer able to hide. It’s becoming such an issue that the public is starting to hear more about it through mainstream media. At first, it was a little known focus on the “Oprah Winfrey Show”, but soon started to grab headlines when David Duchovny was admitted into a program for sex addiction. Now, the problem has really gained some attention with the recent struggles of Tiger Woods.
That is why I am here.
I am here to get the word out to those that may be struggling. To the families currently affected by this addiction. I am here to bring a shame based topic out into the light of the Holy Spirit where hope can be brought to others.
Over the next week or two I will be writing a small two to three part series on pornography and sex addiction. I will be covering multiple facets of the addiction such as identifying if someone has a problem, the affects of addiction on the family, recovery options and resources, as well as what life is like on the other side.
Until we speak again, please pray for me and others struggling in recovery.
Sincerely,
Sawyer
(Sawyer is a recovering Pornography Addict and has been sober for almost 2.5 years. Currently enrolled in a 12- Step recovery program, he has helped start local 12-Step programs for recovery and has acted as a sponsor for multiple struggling addicts. You can read more detail about his personal walk through sobriety at sawyerswalk.livejournal.com)
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Thanks for posting Sawyer. Lent is a great time to start this discussion.
If porn is accessed via the internet, one needs to disconnect the service altogether. If there is a need for that, then one can go to the public library where access to porn is precluded. The same goes with cable TV where borderline shows are accessable and can easily escalate to a fall. The time, effort and exposure to go to a video or book store may be enough to calm down the urge and take one's mind off the temptation. If one ends up buying a magazine or renting a video, then one can always discard it and put up a better fight next time.
Impurity can be symtomatic of a deeper unsatisfied need e.g. that of intimacy. So, fixing that will address the root cause.
Idleness is the workshop of the devil acc. to St. John Bosco. Rather than pray for the lust to go away, it may be more effective to get up and go outside and do some gardening or play with your kids.
St. John Bosco is an apostle to adolescents & young men with hormones gone wild. Besides activities, he used grace by encouraging weekly confession and daily communion to fight all sins. That's how he produced saints.
@semperjase – Thank you very much for the positive feedback. I was unsure if writing this would be benificial to anyone. But if I can point one person in the right direction, that is good enough for me
@Ricky Vines – My article was written twoard those who's desire for lust has been warped beyond it's natural instinct. For those who can no longer control accessing the net, renting movies, etc. When the addiction has gone beyond just trying to seperate from it.
A line that always stuck with me in my program was "Without God, I can't; without me God won't". It made me realize that I had to take some more drastic steps like a formal program or counseling.
Some of the steps you suggested are sound, especially for an adolecent learning to control what he is feeling. But for an addict, we feel guilt and desperation because these actions didn't stop us for the 100th time.
But thank you very much for your input.
I just want to know, why do you do it? Pornography makes women feel like dirt.
Saying that it makes women feel like dirt, while true, is basically saying that it hurts people. But all sin hurts people. Alcohol abuse hurts. Adultery hurts. Stealing hurts. Violence hurts.
I think the "why" question is a tough one that people do not always have the answer to, though I am sure we may here more about this here. I think, especially in Lent, we all should ask why we commit whatever sin each of us are attached to – because whether we can see it or not, it hurts people.
In my opinion, the bigger task -for all of us sinners – whether this sin, or another – the task more important than the why, is repentance and taking those first steps in returning to God (like the Prodigal son mired in swine filth).
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What *I* want to know, & hope Sawyer will see and answer, is: what can the rest of us do for you, and those like you? Besides respect you, which I do.
Sawyer,
Do not overlook the power of the sacrements, especially the Sacrement of Penance. It has turned my life around. So profound and life changing. God bless you. Dave
I am in a program called 'That Man is You'. See the site st: http://www.paradisusdei.org/tmiy/
I have taken the pledge: Covenant on Sexual Purity -
"I will live sexual purity according to the sixth and ninth commandments and I will take whatever action necessary to safeguard sexual purity for myself, my spouse, and my children." By the grace of God we can all do this.
GOD BLESS, Dave
Sawyer,Good read, and while I agree with the vast majority of it, I have to say that I don't always think it's so much of a case of genuine addiction, as it is something one get's used to over time. What I mean is, you get so used to seeing it as a young adult that you become desensitized to it. You know; Your dad has Playboys, you have friends who get hold of stuff, you see raunchy stuff on TV, etc, and at some point after being bombarded with it for so long, you just become numb to it and the effect it has.
I think that if you can put a human face on this, it might help as well.Tell them about how the vast majority of Porn made here is owned and operated by the Russian mafia, as well as more established crime families like the Gambinos (Though I'm not sure how they fit in since John Gotti died), tell them of how girls -runaway teens, barely 17 and 18- are duped into the business, plucked from bus stations and fed drugs to keep them in line. Give them the ugly side of it, make them realize that they are contributing to a vicious cycle that debases and degrades women, women like their own daughters, wives, mothers….. No mercy Sawyer, NO MERCY.
I'm using this time of Lent to try to wrest control back.
Pornography has been an off-and-on presence in my life since age 12; not because of any around the house but as a way for a maladjusted boy to 'kind of' fit in with the others. From college, on to the service on a boat out at sea, on to marriage and family- and finally the preponderance of it over the Internet… off-and-on. A wantonly casual attitude towards it contributed to an Internet (non-contact)affair with an old girlfriend that nearly ended my marriage and shattered my wife's perception of me. After that I saw a Diocesan therapist and went 3 years without porno or masturbation; and then… off-and-on. Numerous confessions but I end up in the same place. I find myself using my wife's mistrust and difficulty with intimacy since the affair as my excuse, all the way up to a Fat Tuesday masturbatory bacchanalia. Now I just want it to stop.
St. John Bosco, please aid me in my struggle.
SpartacusXL,
Do not give up – I will keep you in my prayers. One small thing I do is carry a rosary around and just touch it and pray a Hail Mary often. God bless you.
SpartacusXL – There comes a time where you've got to step up and make the change. Pray? yes. Ask for God's help? Always. But for the sake of your soul and that of your wife's, just give it up – no excuses, no emotional hemming and hawing, no talking about being a 12 year old boy or one last massive indulgence. Step up, be a man, and do it. Your wife is depending on you, and if you've got kids it is even more important.
You are supposed to be leading them to heaven. So get up and do it. If you need help, get it. If not just do it.
My solution to my issues (although I am not fully there and of course never will be) was to attend daily mass and to receive the Eucharist. It took awhile but I have (or am trying to) submit all I am to Him. So – every day, I mean 6x a week. Here is a link that might help: http://www.catholicapologetics.info/modernproblem…
Blessings
I guess the real question, then, is 'am I prepared to live a life of celibacy within marriage?'
If you look at it that way, it kind of tempers the 'just do it' imperative just a tad, wouldn't you say?
Maybe some guys do… maybe the attraction dies, I don't know… but I know I'm not one of them.
So I welcome your prayers.
@SpartacusXL – Your story is very common and it seems as if your issue has crossed over into addiction. The thing I would like to point out is your work with a therapist – notice during the 3 years you were actively working the problem you were able to hold your boundries. Porn addiction is not something that just goes away. To be honest, there comes a point in each addicts life that you mourn the fact you will struggle with this for the rest of your life.
But you have to be given the tools to allow God to work within you as you battle the addiction. Then you have to apply them.
My next article, which should be up tonight or tomorrow will talk about possible next steps. But know that you will most likely not manage the problem without taking active steps forward with a counselor or group. Those tools given to you via these methods will allow God to work with you.
Keep fighting the good fight, keep bringing the issue to God. If you need some more one on one discussion – e-mail me.
Sincerely,
Sawyer
If you are called to at least a temporary life of abstinence (or even a permanent one) as a consequence of your previous infidelity – or even if it is for another reason. Amen, I say just do it – who are you to reject your calling or to turn away from your commitments? Are you a slave to sin or a slave of Christ?
What I hear you say is that you actually like the sin and it is more important than your wife and marriage because she is having issues. Sorry, but I have no sympathy there. You are placing carnal pleasure above your marriage and you're responsibility as the head of the household. If you need help, get it. Just break this habit now. Because every time you engage in masturbation or indulging in pornography it is like you are committing adultery.
Have you read "The Great Divide" by CS Lewis? It has a character who complains about the demon of lust on his back, but is reluctant to let the angel kill it. That is where you are. To be saved, you have to let go of the attachment to your sin.
Commit to Christ, man! Give it up. Get the help. I am already praying for you, but you have to step to the plate here and be willing to let go of your sin. That is what being a Christian is all about.
If I actually "like the sin" then I have no use for a forum such as this. Judging from the tone of your response, I don't expect you to empathize. Lucky for you, you must not have similar experiences. Different men, different struggles…
One minor correction- I was in therapy for less than 6 months. And- at the risk of TMI- my abstinence from auto-eroticism was actually broken after a one-too-many steamy rendezvous with my wife that went unconsummated. Eventually I ended up where I was just before this year's Lent.
I will call it a conscious compulsion at this point; i.e., one that is thwarted with sufficient forethought, self-examination and prayerful reflection.
Thanks for your continued prayers and I will ping you if the struggle resurfaces.
You should all know, while struggling with this addiction, what you are doing to your wives and relationships. This monster nearly killed me: literally. Luckily, I have been blessed with 4 beautiful children who need me and that and Jesus are the only reason I am here today. My husband is still in denial over his addiction. I still struggle with the lies and betrayal. I pray for the strength to stay. This scourge destroys live. No guys it is not just a harmless guy thing. It brings deceit into your marriage, something that has no place there. In your recovery try to think of the damage you have done: to your lives, your spouses, your families. This is NOT what the Lord intended. If you have tried and failed to stop this hideous addiction: Get help. Whatever controls you is addiction. Get help before it is too late for you and those who love you.
Just wanted to stop by and say thanks. Enjoy reading your stuff.
A father 'uses' porn to 'teach' his daughters about sex:
http://www.amarillo.com/stories/040610/new_news11…
Oh my God, save us from these men.
Dave
Thank you so much for you share.
When I was a kid, we had alcoholics come out to our school to educated us about dangers of drinking. We saw the scary pictures of people on drugs, but never ever have anybody told me about dangers of pornography.
I became addicted, and later on had a very hard time stooping my compulsive behavior, and it is still a daily battle for me, even though it got easier, and it will always be.
Thank you so much for sharing the message! Your service is greatly appreciated!
What advice would you give to parents to discuss this with their children?
To be honest, I don’t know what advice to give but I can tell you what NOT to do.
I don’t know how many times I have sat in a meeting and heard someone talk about how they discovered pornography or masturbation and either disclose to a parent because they were scared or confused or they got caught. The parent either A) Totally lays into them B) Shames them deeply C) Puts the fear of God in them (i.e. you will burn in hell)or D) flat out says NEVER NEVER do that again.
At that point, the teen draw into themselves and hide the porn or masturbation. It becomes a way to defy and have power. At that point an unhealthy context is put around normal sexual impulses. (i.e. looking at the opposite sex, not normal as in chronic pornography). They are associating feelings of shame and anger with the act. As well as feelings of power (I’ll show you, I can do this and you won’t know).
The best I can suggest, is that Mom and Dad have to acknowledge it. Let the child understand that they have been there when the hormones are raging and can identify with the feelings they have. Reinforce Catholic teaching w/o pulling out the old school “You are going to hell, its better to cut it off” lecture. I have even heard of some families trying to study “Theology of the Body” together in an effort to relay a healthy framework.
In short, acknowledge it and try to put healthy understanding and support around the feelings they are going through.
Hopefully that helps.
You have to speak the truth. Pornography is sinful. It degrades the person being looked at by objectifying them. It damages the person doing it in multiple ways, not least of which is a giving up their control to baser instincts. It damages and undermines the gift of sex in marriage which is a sign of God's love.
While we must be compassionate with our children- they are sinners like we are. We also must never back away from teaching the truth about pornography and masturbation – these are gravely sinful and our children can put their souls at risk.
Open discussion is important. So is regular family prayer (before you get to the age this comes up). Regular family confession is also important – our children need to go to confession, so do we, and they need to see us go.
Finally, kids need to see the proper behavior modeled, especially by their fathers. The worst thing would be for a kid to stumble onto dads stash of porn or find it on the computer where he left it.
Thanks Sawyer. I agree with your assessment & that is why I have not yet spoken to my 9 year old boy (I do know the time is coming soon though). There is so mich at stake that I don't want to get it wrong! Part of my thinks it will be helpful for my husband to disclose to our son that he is a porn addict. The other part would hate to see that 'hero' destroyed in my son's eyes. This addiction has destroyed so much already.
Anyway, thanks for your bravery in sharing your struggles.
Alcoholism, or alcohol addiction, is a progressive disease. You grow more dependent on alcohol by imbibing it. It gradually modifies a chemical balance in the mind. Gamma-amino butyric acid is a naturally-occurring brain chemical which commands inhibitions. Anyone who's ever been drunk has experienced the outcome of the lessening in levels of GABA because of alcohol, which goes away as you become sober once more. Continued consumption of alcohol could permanently decrease the levels of this substance, leading to more alcohol use, leading to possible alcoholism.
Indeed those are such strong points and statements. Just right to the spot. Splendidly discussed and empowered pieces of advice. Calling someone for a distraction can also be a very effective approach towards overcoming such addiction. Well your determination is undoubtedly moving. Don't get up, you'll get through it.
Dear lord jesus christ.
I know u are the lord of mercy & kind. I knew more about your liberation from any diseases & set free from all kind of addiction. i kow how good u are. T hough dislike to watch porn , once in a month or twice in a month fell to prey over watching porn. please set me free from this addiction & want to get annointed so that i can overcome my lust & fleshy desires. please holy spirit please fill me and pour your holy spirit up on me.please .. please pray for me . i want to live a holy life which jesus likes. he died for my sins & accept all my wickedness, guilty, lust,crimes,all my adversities,hates, enmity, pride,and etc..
please pray for living a holy life what so ever happens to me. jesus forgive my sins. i repent often but failed my transgressions,accusations filthy desires to be vanished in jesus name amen..
Im a proud Roman Catholic man that is happily married with two kids ,I love Jesus and his bride the Church ,and I need help with my porn addiction before it is to late! Please help me are most blessed vigin mother of God!
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