My wife and I are friends with a family. More accurately, a single mother and her three daughters – a ten-year old, and 6-year old twins. The father left the family for another woman.
I watched the twins this morning. Both my wife and daughter were still asleep when their mom dropped them off, so I took them to the living room and put on a movie to watch while we waited for my family to wake up.
I started the movie and the girls sat on each side of me and snuggled in. For me this is endearing and heartbreaking. All three girls are devastated from the loss of their father. Their actions show they need a father figure in their lives.
Family research has caught up and only quantified what has been plain for millenia. Kids need Dads. Girls from divorced families are 50% more likely to engage in teen sex. They are up to 65% more likely to use drugs. They are less likely to do well in school. They are more likely to end up divorced themselves (and therefore perpetuate the cycle to their children).
I do what I can for these girls. They know our home is a place of safety. They know both my wife and I love them. They know I will give them attention they crave. But I am not their father. I see their heartbreak and know that I cannot fix it. They will likely grow up thinking that men will abandon them. I pray God plants a seed from what they see in my house.
So this is another plea to all Catholic Dads. If you are married, stay married. Western culture preaches that adults should seek their own happiness first; that their kids can’t be happy unless they are happy. This is a lie. Kids are only happy in a home with both parents (in addition to the fact that all the family research shows divorce simply does not make anyone happier).
In cases of abuse, it may be necessary to leave an abuser. But understand, this only addresses physical safety. It will not solve the problems associated with a missing biological parent. Every negative consequence of divorce will still affect you and your children.
Theoretically, I should be preaching to the choir here. Catholic Dads (well, those that attend mass regularly) are less likely to divorce. It is your duty to influence the world. Chances are, you know people considering divorce. Encourage your family and friends to work through it. Counsel them about the myths of divorce so that they know divorce will not make them happy. It WILL devastate their children.
But the most effective witness is your own life. Respect your wife publicly. Let your children see you be affectionate with her. Show your children that you love them. Make your home a place of refuge for your kids friends. Doing that will preach the gospel. You never know when those seeds may grow.
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Awesome post, Jas!
Agreed!
I especially like
Exactly. Make your home the neighbourhood hang out. Use every opportunity to show your kids' friends that Moms and Dads can love each other forever. Go out of your way to include them in special family moments such as meals, Mass, game night, family movies, and other celebrations. This interaction – if positive – will stay with them for a long time.
This is also very important
Unfortunately, too many do not. But you should never say a bad thing about your wife to anyone. This type of behaviour encourages marital dissent and can weaken the resolve of those whose faith in the inviolability of the marriage contract is tenuous. If you need to complain, save it for prayer!
What about when the wife feels 'she's exhausted all the avenues, including counceling' when in fact the couple didn't, there was one or two more things to try, but she's done, a quitter one would say?
Now you have a dad who feels he's been abandoned, rocks left un-turned, and now faced with being a single Catholic Dad with three children of his own.
We all have free-will right?
What can you offer?
That is sad news JJ. You mentioned free will. The reality is that marriage takes two.
So what does a man do when the wife decides to break up a marriage? Keep praying. Seek any opportunity for reconciliation. Enlist your in-laws if possible – can't hurt to have advocates in her family. Seek an anti-divorce counselor. If she is unwilling to go, go by yourself.
If you find yourself in divorce against your desires, seek an advocate for men's rights (women are heavily favored by the legal system in divorce). One organization is http://www.nationalcenterformen.org/ . I disagree with their stance on some moral issues, however they do have resources that may help men in divorce cases.