Every week I take my daughter to church by myself. Its not because I am a single. I am actually married and my wife is wonderful, but she refuses to go to church with us.
It would be very easy to leave my daughter at home while I go to church. I won’t lie, there have been many Sunday mornings when my two year old daughter was anything but pleasant to deal (I’m sure you can all relate) with alone and it has been very tempting to leave her at home. I take her with me though, because its the right thing to do. But its awkward and I feel embarrassed when people ask me “Where is your wife?”. Its because they don’t know us from Adam and don’t know our family situation and I know that I would wonder the same thing.
I would love nothing better than for my wife to join as at church. The questions are a minor issue that is not important. It would be great to have someone else to help deal with a toddler. My parish seems very understanding about her crying and various noises, even though I can’t tell you how many sermons/readings/other parts of the Mass I haven’t heard over the wailing. My biggest concern, is of course my wife’s soul.
With that said, where am I going with this? First of all, I would appreciate any prayers for our family. Secondly, I am curious to hear ideas to try to explain to my wife why you should go to church. I have try to explain to her the majesty and awesomeness of the Eucharist present there. I have tried the family/communal meal analogy. Just wondering if anyone has a great way of explaining that I haven’t thought of.
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I understand what you mean. We have a very adventurous and independent minded 1-year old – and we take her to mid-week masses too!?! Once in mid-week she was so loud, I left mass and took her to the car. My priest called me in after to receive communion, and told me not to do that. So I get missing stuff – and my wife takes her most of the time, but only because she has more ability to calm this one.
I do think dealing with small children in mass does count as suffering. They all get through it. At least the first 3 did for me.
I can say, that going to more than one mass a week provides for extra practice and it does help. Mass isn't just a once a week thing for them, and the start to learn how to behave sooner.
From one father and husband to another, you must keep going. Do it for your daughter. One day your wife will see what you have done and realize you for the leader and the suffering servant — the St. Joseph of the family and she will weep for how lucky she is. Until that day, you must remain steadfast in your faith.
It is not important that you hear the homily or the readings in your situation since your current task is to be a leader to your family and a solid foundation for your daughter.
Without knowing what your wife's objections are, I'm fairly certain that approaching with Church arguments or apologetics won't work if it hasn't already. I wouldn't give up entirely, but I wouldn't use that as the primary front of discussion.
Instead, talk with her about marriage and the role of husband and wife and maybe get some books on marriage and martial happiness, etc.
All these books talk about how to get your husband to be a good father and how to get your husband to go to Church and actually care about the spiritual foundation of the family.
Eventually she will realize that you are all these things already and it will occur to her that she's the anchor holding the family back.
In my experience, the wives will almost always follow the husband with religious decisions (there may be arguments, but ultimately they will follow if the husband is resolute). This works both ways: you can drag your family down, or you can drag them up. At this point, you must continue dragging them up.
You're climbing a ladder to heaven and your family is hanging on to you for dear life… a rope tied around your waist and their only source of hope. Do not let go!
I am sorry to hear about your the cross you bear in relation to not having your entire family at Mass. My first thought as I was reading your story was similar to Chad M's above that at this point using the apologetics argument may not be the most fruitful. My second thought was that of families doing things together.
As a married couple, there will be times in the marriage when you will be asked to do things or attend events that are not on your favorites list. As a husband, in support of your wife, you will do them because you love your wife and that is what husbands do. It is also true that over the course of marriage, a wife will be asked to do things or attend events that are not her favorite. But, for the sake of the other, she will do them.
Seems to me this fits into that category. She, for reasons I don't think you outlined, is not interested in attending Mass. You, on the other hand feel it is very important. You feel it is important enough that you bring your daughter with you, at great hardship. In my opinion, this should impress upon your wife that, for the sake of family unity, she should consider coming with you.
I make no judgements as to why she does not wish to come or as to you not being successful in convincing her to. I only offer my suggestion and I pray that the Holy Spirit will be successful in bringing peace to you and your family.
God's blessings
In my experience, time is a great mover in these things.
Love your wife, don't try to put pressure on her… As someone once said: 'Let go, let God!' That is, make room for the Holy Spirit to convert your wife in His own time and in His own way.
That is not to say do nothing: but what you do could be to continue to be faithful to God and faithful to her; set a silent example without reproaching her; make it so that it seems odd to her not to go with you, rather than do anything that triggers a guilt trip.
In my case, it was when my kids got to the age where they started to ask their mum why she didn't receive communion that she finally converted. Perhaps when your kids get to the stage when they ask why she doesn't come to Mass, she'll realise she has no good answer to that question.
With prayers
BT
Lots of good advice above.
I would also do two things:
1. Ask God to let you love your wife the way He loves her. Make this your prayer. Your love will move her heart.
2. Pray with her. Ask her to join you in morning or night prayer. Nothing big or liturgically fancy. But shared prayer connects you in a way few other things can.
I will definitely pray for you.
Ben there, done that Sir!
In fact my parish still remembers me as the usher who was shadowed by his little daughter during collection (she didn't want to be left alone in the pews.)
After many prayers my bride eventually joined us on Sundays.
Keep the Faith and stay strong.