Catholic Dads

Last week I stated that if you make your kids the most important thing in your life (or make them think they are), you will spoil them. This is not a very fashionable notion. We are led by advertising and other social pressures to think that we must indulge our children’s desires to demonstrate our love for our children, . Moreover, popular psychology suggests that we risk causing repression if we do not do so.

But the reality is that if we love our children, we will want them to grow up as strong Catholics. To stay a Catholic as a teenager in our culture takes real character, and if we want to develop strong characters, we will discipline our children. St Paul was commenting on discipline being a sign of love in the second reading at Mass today.

Interestingly, the serious child psychologists agree with this. Children, they say, need boundaries.

So what kind of discipline am I talking about? I am not suggesting enforcing physical mortification on them, or subjecting them to psychological pressures. No, it is more about setting clear boundaries and being consistent about them; and in particular, about doing so out of love, rather than telling your children off because you are tired or annoyed, or have just had a row with your wife…

True discipline it seems to me, consists of helping them to understand how they should behave in a range of situations, and reinforcing that understanding until good behaviour is natural and habitual in them.

So with small children (whom it is very easy to indulge) it can be quite simple things. In terms of priorities, you might want to start by thinking about discipline relating to God: regular prayers, good behaviour at Mass, grace before and after meals and so on.

A second priority is to make sure they respect the fourth commandment: that they honour you and your wife. A good starting point here is ordinary politeness: saying please and thank you, of course, but also not interrupting others, particularly their parents. This not only makes them pleasant company for you and others, but teaches an important lesson in humility: the world does not revolve around them and their desires.

Another important discipline is a regular bedtime. Most of the spoiled children I come across are habitually over-tired. School teachers report the same thing. Your children won’t want to go to bed on time every night, and won’t thank you for enforcing this, but they will actually be much happier for it.

A key issue with small children (and indeed older ones) is television and computer usage. It is easy for them to get seduced by the fast pace and instant gratification of a high-tech media world, but they can waste hours of their life on rubbish or worse, if you are not careful to decide how to manage this appropriately. We have bought our kids up without a TV in the house, and they don’t seem to have suffered from that – in fact, quite the reverse.

As they get older, you will start to implement other disciplines: doing their homework diligently; practicing any sport or music that they are committed to on a regular basis, not just when they feel like it; learning their catechism; spiritual reading; letting you know who they are with when they are out, and when they will come home; and so on.

All of these have some intrinsic merits, but more importantly, the practice of discipline as part of their upbringing will strengthen their character, so they are not driven by immediate short-term gratification, nor by peer-pressure. This in turn will help them to hold onto their Faith when it becomes more challenging for them to do so.

So here’s a challenge for you: consider what discipline you currently apply to your children on a regular basis; and then whether there are any areas where you should consider introducing some new ones.

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