How does one know if he (or she, and yes – there are female addicts) has a problem? Well, lets start with a very good definition from Sexaholic’s Anonymous, which happens to be the 12-Step program I am achieving sobriety in.

“We can only speak for ourselves. The specialized nature of Sexaholics Anonymous can best be understood in terms of what we call the sexaholic. The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong. He or she has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking altogether but is hooked and cannot stop. So it is with the sexaholic, or sex drunk, who can no longer tolerate lust but cannot stop.

Thus, for the sexaholic, any form of sex with one’s self or with partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive. We also see that lust is the driving force behind our sexual acting out, and true sobriety includes progressive victory over lust. These conclusions were forced upon us in the crucible of our experiences and recovery; we have no other options.”

Here is the catch, family members, friends, and spouses can see these characteristics (bold) in a addict way before the addict can. The addict, for the most part, can not. The key phrases bolded above our beyond what the porn addict can see while in the throws of the addiction. What makes an addict move forward, of his own accord, is usually exhaustion and pain. If he is deep in his or her addiction, and is lucky, he may start to see he has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop.

The problem is not the desire to stop. Addicts have stopped many times before (ad nauseam),  it’s the ability to stay stopped. You might as well tell an addict that breathing is bad for him, so go ahead and hold your breath. Sounds good on paper, but even with the best intentions he eventually has to breathe. That is how engrained the addiction has become.

This constant effort to stop the addiction is exhausting. Or if the porn addict has given up fighting and has resigned to the addiction, keeping up the addiction is exhausting. The addiction, in this case lust, wants more and more. It requires more effort to achieve the high, more effort to hide it from friends and family, and more effort to come up with the time and resources to achieve it.

So what are some of the behaviors of a pornography or sex addict? Well, here are some common questions pulled from a few different resources such as Sexaholics Anonymous, expert and author Patrick Carnes, or behaviors I look for when working with a new person to the program:

• Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?
• That you’d be better off if you didn’t keep “giving in” (to looking at porn one more time, checking out the attractive girl at work, to calling a phone sex line, or soliciting a prostitute)?
• Does internet sex interfere with certain aspects of your life?
• Do you often stay online late (Midnight, 1:00am, etc) looking for pornography online knowing you have to get up for work at 6:00 am?
• Do you feel the “right relationship” would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?
• Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?
• Has your spouse announced the end of your marriage because of her latest discovery?
• Did your husband discover e-mails to your lovers who were his best friends and golfing companions?
• Is money for necessities getting more difficult, or debt increasing, because of your spending on pornography, prostitutes, strip clubs, or affairs?

If you spooked yourself by reading those questions, the scarier piece is looking at what is required for recovery. That is why an addict usually has to hit a bottom, because he often has to go outside himself to get better. Pride must be put aside, a white flag must be raised, and control of his own recovery must be released to another (counselor) or program.  This is terrifying aspect for an addict. By the time he is seeking help, the addiction has driven him inward and away from others. He or she may also believe that he can be the only one to “take care of himself”, he must handle this on his own as he see’s fit. Going to another for help, well to an addict, its un-natural and dangerous.

I think it was put best when I listened to a senior member of my program say the following to a newcomer.

“Lust is on the other side of that closed door doing push ups. He is just hoping you open that door and do the same thing you always do to try and beat him. This way he can smile, firmly punch you in the face, and knock you to the floor again. So, it’s your choice – you can do it the way you have always tried to get better, white-knuckling to the best of your ability, or try something different.

And trust me, if it doesn’t work – we will refund back all your misery and pain.”

The key to recovery is to do what does not come natural. It’s surrendering, not fighting. It’s turning to God instead of fighting him. It’s bringing your past, your defects, and your sickness into the light and allowing God to repair it for you.

Recovery from pornography addiction is learning how not to fight with sheer force of will. However this doesn’t mean we just wait for God to take the thorn from our side, because in most cases he won’t. Paul petitioned God to remove the thorn from his side, but God responded – “My grace is sufficient”.

In other words, dependence on God is enough. In my case, dependence meant taking action and leaning on God to show me the way to repair this disease and manage it. The pull may always be there, but I don’t have to obey it.

In other words, I learned a very important lesson – “Without God, I can’t; Without me, God won’t”.

I had to take responsibility to get better, just as every addict learns. If you are lucky, you learn sooner than later that your path in recovery lies within God’s hands. You work for it, he will help you. Of course this involves the Sacrament of Confession, time in Eucharistic Adoration, the Rosary (which is a strong armor), and Prayer but this is only a small part of a larger process. Most of which involve you going outside yourself for help and trusting in another.

There are many more resources for the addict than he may expect. I will list quite a few here and can shed some light on a few in private conversation (via e-mail) if you wish. However, I do strongly recommend a 12-Step program.

The reason I recommend a 12-Step program is because Pornography and Sex Addiction is only a symptom (nothing more) of a much larger problem. A 12-Step program modeled off AA is a spiritual walk (and more Catholic than you think) that teaches you how to face your past, identify defects, turn them over to God, and also puts a plan in place to handle everyday life. It is an approach, with God’s help, to live free.

The program I recommend is Sexaholics Anonymous (www.sa.org) which has a defined level of sobriety and a great support system. If you look at others and would like me to compare and contrast them, please e-mail me privately.

However, let me provide some concrete resources for the addict or family member looking for a next step.

Groups, 12-Step and Otherwise:

• (SA) Sexaholics Anonymous – www.sa.org
• (SAA) Sex Addicts Anonymous – www.saa-recovery.org
• (SLAA) Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous – www.slaafws.org
• Celebrate Recovery – http://celebraterecovery.com.au/
• Every Man’s Battle – http://www.everymansbattle.com/
• Faithful and True – http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/

Books:

• “In the Shadows” by Patrick Carnes
• “In the Shadows of the Net” by Patrick Carnes
• “Faithful and True Workbook” by Mark Lasser

* * *

In the previous Blog we discussed what Porn Addiction is at a high level and the stigma behind it. In this blog we discussed how to identify if you have a problem with porn addiction and where to go for help.

I was contemplating two more blogs in this series – a more in depth look at a 12-Step program and how it works, as well as a blog directed to a spouse or family being affected by an addict.

However, I have gotten great feedback in my initial comments. As always, feel free to discuss the article within the comments section. However if you would like to see anything specific covered that you have not seen me discuss. Please make note in your comments, it may spawn a different direction as I write.

As always, keep me and all the other addicts suffering in your prayers.

Sincerely,
Sawyer

(http://sawyerswalk.livejournal.com/)

More »

I seem normal.

I am the average guy you see in the pew each week. I am married, I have two young daughters, my career is established, I am very active in my church and community. As matter of fact, I am an upcoming leader within my church.

I seem normal, except that I am addicted to pornography.

The usual response to this statement? Well, the response runs the gambit but is usually followed by a snicker. Most people don’t believe it is an addiction. Some argue it is a natural instinct to look at the opposite sex in a sexual way and that masturbation is a God given right.

So how do you get addicted to porn? There are many reasons which we may cover in more detail later. However, many people don’t realize that addiction often switches or morphs from one fixated object to another. It is not uncommon for an alcoholic that has successfully gained sobriety to accidently become addicted to drugs or vice versa. You would be surprised what addiction can encompass – alcohol, drugs, overeating, compulsive computer gaming, and even pornography or sex. I have heard many relate it to a giant “Whack a Mole” game from one of our childhood arcades. You lick the addictive action and it pops up somewhere else.

So, why have many not heard of this problem?

Well, this particular addiction is shamed based and recovery is not embraced by many. Unlike someone recovering from drugs or alcohol, I have to keep my recovery a secret for the addiction is greatly misunderstood. If my addiction ever was made public, my friendships, position in the church, and even my livelihood could be at risk.

My pastor put it best when he explained this to me…

“When you mention sex or pornography addiction, the first thing that comes to mind for many is a sexual predator or pedophile. That is rarely the case. These men I see in and out of confession, these men I see truly struggling, are wrestling with an obsession to lust, pornography, and sex – not small children.”

I soon realized that he was right and fear of discovery hamstrings the recovery of many. The addict is so ashamed, so unsure of where to go, and so afraid they will be ostracized that they don’t seek help. Many addicts don’t even know where to start.

Let me give you a little context behind this quote and an idea of the size of this problem. This quote was from a conversation three years ago. My pastor was trying to establish a 12-Step program, outside the normal ministry chain of command, who could operate anonymously within our church. At this time, he was engaging me and one other to help establish a support group.

My pastor had told me there was a huge need in the parish. The amount of men struggling and coming to him for guidance was alarming. I remember one statistic I had seen at the time was that roughly 30% of men sitting in Sunday Service actively struggle with pornography addiction or are showing strong signs of addiction.

Now I believe the problem is no longer able to hide. It’s becoming such an issue that the public is starting to hear more about it through mainstream media. At first, it was a little known focus on the “Oprah Winfrey Show”, but soon started to grab headlines when David Duchovny was admitted into a program for sex addiction. Now, the problem has really gained some attention with the recent struggles of Tiger Woods.

That is why I am here.

I am here to get the word out to those that may be struggling. To the families currently affected by this addiction. I am here to bring a shame based topic out into the light of the Holy Spirit where hope can be brought to others.

Over the next week or two I will be writing a small two to three part series on pornography and sex addiction. I will be covering multiple facets of the addiction such as identifying if someone has a problem, the affects of addiction on the family, recovery options and resources, as well as what life is like on the other side.

Until we speak again, please pray for me and others struggling in recovery.

Sincerely,

Sawyer

(Sawyer is a recovering Pornography Addict and has been sober for almost 2.5 years. Currently enrolled in a 12- Step recovery program, he has helped start local 12-Step programs for recovery and has acted as a sponsor for multiple struggling addicts. You can read more detail about his personal walk through sobriety at sawyerswalk.livejournal.com)

More »