How does one know if he (or she, and yes – there are female addicts) has a problem? Well, lets start with a very good definition from Sexaholic’s Anonymous, which happens to be the 12-Step program I am achieving sobriety in.
“We can only speak for ourselves. The specialized nature of Sexaholics Anonymous can best be understood in terms of what we call the sexaholic. The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong. He or she has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking altogether but is hooked and cannot stop. So it is with the sexaholic, or sex drunk, who can no longer tolerate lust but cannot stop.
Thus, for the sexaholic, any form of sex with one’s self or with partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive. We also see that lust is the driving force behind our sexual acting out, and true sobriety includes progressive victory over lust. These conclusions were forced upon us in the crucible of our experiences and recovery; we have no other options.”
Here is the catch, family members, friends, and spouses can see these characteristics (bold) in a addict way before the addict can. The addict, for the most part, can not. The key phrases bolded above our beyond what the porn addict can see while in the throws of the addiction. What makes an addict move forward, of his own accord, is usually exhaustion and pain. If he is deep in his or her addiction, and is lucky, he may start to see he has lost control, no longer
I am the average guy you see in the pew each week. I am married, I have two young daughters, my career is established, I am very active in my church and community. As matter of fact, I am an upcoming leader within my church.
I seem normal, except that I am addicted to pornography.
The usual response to this statement? Well, the response runs the gambit but is usually followed by a snicker. Most people don’t believe it is an addiction. Some argue it is a natural instinct to look at the opposite sex in a sexual way and that masturbation is a God given right.
So how do you get addicted to porn? There are many reasons which we may cover in more detail later. However, many people don’t realize that addiction often switches or morphs from one fixated object to another. It is not uncommon for an alcoholic that has successfully gained sobriety to accidently become addicted to drugs or vice versa. You would be surprised what addiction can encompass – alcohol, drugs, overeating, compulsive computer gaming, and even pornography or sex. I have heard many relate it to a giant “Whack a Mole” game from one of our childhood arcades. You lick the addictive action and it pops up somewhere else.
So, why have many not heard of this problem?
Well, this particular addiction is shamed based and recovery is not embraced by many. Unlike someone recovering from drugs or alcohol, I have to keep my recovery a secret for the addiction is greatly misunderstood. If my addiction ever was made public, my friendships, position in the church, and even my livelihood could be at risk.
My pastor put it best when he explained this to me…
“When you mention sex or pornography addiction, the first thing that comes to mind
Among the measures of mature manhood that God Himself sets forth is faithful, stable, committed marriage. After observing, It is not good for the man to be alone (Gen 2:18) God says ….A man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife and the two of them shall become one flesh. Thus God indicates an essential description of manhood. This is what a MAN does. Three things are taught here:
A mature man recognizes that it is not good, not healthy, for him to remain alone and unattached. …
Having properly sought a wife he marries her and leaves his parents to establish a home. …
A man clings to his wife. …
Go and read Msgr. Pope’s (what a great name for a priest) entire article by clicking here to get the full details. I have provided only the skeleton here to peak your interest.
Our Fairy Tale Romance
How I Met A Princess in Disguise
and Convinced Her To Marry Me. Andrew Schmiedicke Chesterton Press ISBN 9780981931890
This book is a wonderful story of hope, prayer and faith. It is the story of Andrew Schmiedicke and Regina Doman and their coming together with God in marriage. It is very well written, it is open, honest and transparent. Andrew shares his journey and his discernment process, as he tried to determine God’s plans for his life, marriage or the priesthood. It is a struggle and process that many Catholic men have gone through. Andrew captures the struggle and sense of disappointment many experience in trying to find God’s will and direction for their life. The book is moving and will stir emotions in the reader. The book begins with these words: “at 25 years of age I was already a lonely bachelor. After a number of failed relationships in high school, college and after college; after a number of journeys, adventures, and failed business and employment ventures; I found myself back in Michigan, looking for a job, and feeling … well…like a failure. And a bachelor.” But that is just the beginning, the once upon a time.
For those already married it will remind them of their own journey, for those not yet married or engaged it can serve as a guide in how to determine God’s will in their life. This is a great book as a journey both spiritual and relational. It also contains a collection of prayers at the end of the book, for those seeking
And so the long Sanford saga has ended in divorce. Tiger’s accident was not just an innocent mishap. There was a time when I thought MarkSanford was a bright light of the conservative movement. There was a time when I thought Tiger was “great” beyond the world of golf. But both have failed.
The tragedy is not so much about the harm–if any–caused to us, the hopeful conservatives or the fans of the PGA Tour. The tragedy is seeing men who had achieved the highest positions in their respective professions failing as men. They have become nothing because they could not be faithful to the most basic parts of their lives: family, self-control, faith.
As I’m sure Tiger would tell you, success on the course often comes down to mastering the fundamentals. Golf is a mental sport above all, and if you have mastered the fundamentals, you can fall back on them when the doubt comes into your mind or the competition gets too fierce.
Marriage is a bit like that, I suppose. Being a man is a lot like that. We need to be sure we have mastered the fundamentals and we need to continue to refine and improve on them. In our game as husbands, we must keep the love for our wives foremost in our minds throughout the day. It means avoiding places we should not be. Or with people we should not be with. As men, it is about properly ordering our passions through prayer and developing the habits of chastity, diligence, a love for productive work, and self-possession. As fathers, it is about spending time with our children and showing our affection for them.
A model for chastity and purity for our daughters, St. Maria Goretti (18), was stabbed to death rather than surrender her virginity. A model of forgiveness, she forgave her attacker as she died. And even after death, she reached from heaven to convert him.
I found this interesting, having always thought of divorce as leading to a lack rather than a surplus.
The pope criticized the “so-called extended and mobile family which increases the number of ‘fathers’ and ‘mothers,’ and leads to a situation today in which the majority of those who feel orphaned are not children without parents, but children with a surplus of parents.”
My mom took my name, Timothy Daniel, from the bible. She chose my name at a time in her life where, as she tells me, she wasn’t even going to church, much less picking up a bible. But for some reason, when she was trying to decide on my name, she picked it up. It is that reason that St. Paul’s letters to Timothy have always held a special place in my heart. Every time I read them I am affected by them in some way. They seem relevant to my life. It’s been a while since I read those letters to Timothy, so I picked my bible up today and began reading Paul’s 1st Letter to Timothy. And, again, I was moved by what I read.
The passage that struck me today is from the 4th chapter of that first letter:
Avoid profane and silly myths. Train yourself for devotion, for, while physical training is of limited value, devotion is valuable in every respect, since it holds a promise of life both for the present and for the future. (1 Tim 4:7-8)
After I read that passage, I started reflecting on what devotion means and how I can train myself for it.
There are, in actuality, several ways we need to show devotion in our lives, each of them important. The first way we show devotion is in our work–our jobs and our schooling. We show this devotion by doing our jobs to the best of our abilities and making the best of all situations we encounter in our work, whether good or bad.
The second form of devotion that we need to show is with our children, if blessed to have them. We need to be a committed and devoted parents. We need to make ourselves available to them when they need us.
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