My brother-in-law says you can tell which fathers are involved in their infants’ lives by referring to a “5-wipe diaper,” and seeing who says, “What’s that?”
I recently read a blog post on Catholic Dads that showed advice (IMHO) to the uninvolved set. In particular, let your wife make all the decisions about child care, as it’s her show; babies need nurturing, not discipline, so your expertise won’t be needed until he’s old enough to throw a tantrum and have you “play the heavy.”
With all respect to the author, who is trying to comfort a female friend whose husband is perhaps essentially absent from both baby and mother: what a sad, sad view, I thought — that my primary relationship to my son should be as a disciplinarian! that I’m a fifth wheel until it’s time to make him toe the line! What a starved, barren view of how fathers can relate to children. Supporting Mom is great — better than not supporting her! — but I think we should challenge the absent husband and father further.
I recall a time when I asked my own father, “Why weren’t you more involved with me, when I was young?” His reply was, “Well, you seemed wise enough, I didn’t think you needed me to tell you what to do.”
I take it from this that this was the old way of fathering: the primary, and almost only, thing a father can do, is to give orders.
It would make me kind of useless to someone too young to understand orders. (I’m also possibly too laissez-faire. We have a helper who was telling him, no, you can’t have milk unless you’re willing to touch the sippy-cup.
Among the measures of mature manhood that God Himself sets forth is faithful, stable, committed marriage. After observing, It is not good for the man to be alone (Gen 2:18) God says ….A man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife and the two of them shall become one flesh. Thus God indicates an essential description of manhood. This is what a MAN does. Three things are taught here:
A mature man recognizes that it is not good, not healthy, for him to remain alone and unattached. …
Having properly sought a wife he marries her and leaves his parents to establish a home. …
A man clings to his wife. …
Go and read Msgr. Pope’s (what a great name for a priest) entire article by clicking here to get the full details. I have provided only the skeleton here to peak your interest.
Question: Has an open discussion of homosexuality made it easier or more difficult for heterosexual men to talk intimately? Here’s a provocative statement on the matter:
I think the whole gay discussion has been a huge detriment to men (not bashing homosexual men, just noticing how it affects everyone). A couple decades ago, nobody cared, but now we have to almost prove we’re not gay. We can’t even say homosexual, we have to say gay. Why?…
My answer: Our culture is so over-sexed that society has come to view all relationships through a sexual lens.
I recently saw the movie Old Dogs starring John Travolta and Robin Williams. I remember thinking how unusual the movie was because the plot centered on the relationship between the two main characters who had been friends since high-school. A joke used a few times in the movie was that other characters would look at the two friends as if they were homosexual lovers while the friends seemed oblivious to the suggestion.
There was no sexual tension between the men. They were entirely heterosexual men, each pursuing a woman he desired. Each man had strengths that complimented their friendship and made them successful business partners. Each knew the other’s hopes and fears.
I admit I do not have that type of friendship now. I did have that once with a friend I met while I was in elementary school. Darin and I were especially close throughout high school and into college. People saw us as a duo “Jason and Darin.” I still know him, but I now live in another state and distance has created, well, distance. When we get together, we can take up right
And so the long Sanford saga has ended in divorce. Tiger’s accident was not just an innocent mishap. There was a time when I thought MarkSanford was a bright light of the conservative movement. There was a time when I thought Tiger was “great” beyond the world of golf. But both have failed.
The tragedy is not so much about the harm–if any–caused to us, the hopeful conservatives or the fans of the PGA Tour. The tragedy is seeing men who had achieved the highest positions in their respective professions failing as men. They have become nothing because they could not be faithful to the most basic parts of their lives: family, self-control, faith.
As I’m sure Tiger would tell you, success on the course often comes down to mastering the fundamentals. Golf is a mental sport above all, and if you have mastered the fundamentals, you can fall back on them when the doubt comes into your mind or the competition gets too fierce.
Marriage is a bit like that, I suppose. Being a man is a lot like that. We need to be sure we have mastered the fundamentals and we need to continue to refine and improve on them. In our game as husbands, we must keep the love for our wives foremost in our minds throughout the day. It means avoiding places we should not be. Or with people we should not be with. As men, it is about properly ordering our passions through prayer and developing the habits of chastity, diligence, a love for productive work, and self-possession. As fathers, it is about spending time with our children and showing our affection for them.
Earlier this year I wrote this for Art of Manliness, a web site for all things manly. Since the new Catholic Dads site has “Masculinity” as a category, I decided it might be relevant to our task, especially if we have sons. (Which I do — hooray!)
Some years ago I read a book (Manhood in the Making, by David Gilmore) which surveyed the concept of masculinity in civilizations all over the world. The author found that almost everywhere you went, people had the same expectations: a man should be brave, economically successful, responsible, generous, sexually capable, procreative, and sociable with other men.
I commented on this remarkable similarity of ideas (from such different people as Spaniards and New Guinea highlanders), and a friend said, “Fortunately, we’re in the modern world, so we can get rid of the whole silly idea.”
Was she right? Is manliness old-fashioned and silly, best replaced with a new post-masculine ideal, in which we don’t admire courage, procreation, or the old manly ways?
It’s an easy question to answer, isn’t it? Reverse the list of manly qualities above, and ask yourself: would the human race be better off if each man were an irresponsible, impotent, stingy coward who couldn’t hold down a job or keep a friend? We can tinker with the ideal of manhood, but throwing it out entirely would be a disaster.
But let’s look further anyway. To keep it short, let’s consider one example each from three classes of manly virtues: those that only men can do; those that either sex can do equally; and those that either can do, but are more characteristically male.
Men Only: Fatherhood
Consider where the new post-masculine man has really caught on, at least in regard to procreation: Europe, and blue-state centers like Greenwich Village — that is,
Men are rediscovering the importance of the spiritual life. And Father Larry Richards is helping them do it. While some writers apply a one-size-fits-all approach to the Christian life, Father Richards draws on his many years of ministry and his own experience as a man to inspire other men as men.
In Be a Man!, he recounts his struggles to learn true manhood, as well as the inspiring stories of others he has served in his decades as a priest. He tells men how to focus on the right goal, how to live as a beloved son of God, of the need to acknowledge one’s faults and to live according to the Holy Spirit, to be a man of true love and of wisdom, to appreciate properly the differences between men and women, to pursue holiness, and to make a difference in the world. Not preachy but direct, Father Richards challenges men to be strong, without putting on a mask of false strength or machismo. He calls men to admit their weaknesses and limitations, while urging them to find strength in faith and genuine love to overcome their sins and faults.
Although a celibate priest, he minces no words when it comes to the place of sexuality—for the unmarried man as well as for the married man. He shows that true manliness is not opposed to love but thrives on it. Father Richards stresses that a relationship with Christ reveals the meaning of a man’s life and his identity as a man. He inspires men to become the true heroes they long to be—men of authentic courage, compassion and integrity. This is
Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light.
C.S. Lewis – Mere Christianity
A new resources has been added to the Resources page: E5 Men
Here is a bit about E5 Men from their site:
The e5 Man fasts for his bride to imitate Jesus as described by Saint Paul in his letter to the Ephesians, chapter 5 (for which e5 is named). Fasting is eating only bread and water.
Jesus made a bodily sacrifice on the cross for His Bride the Church to present her to God the Father “without spot or wrinkle.” (Eph 5:27) By fasting for our earthly bride and joining our sufferings to Christ’s we intercede for grace for our brides. At the same time our act of bodily love in union with Christ accelerates our own conversion.
By making this sacrifice for the women in our lives we live out the essence of the gospel through a very particular act of self denial. To lay down one’s body out of love for another is the central message of the gospel.
The The Art of Manliness is a website that frequently has information that Catholic Dads may want to review. It doesn’t claim to be Catholic, but it does speak to being a gentleman and provide practical advice about things men have known in previous generations but are not being taught now. Here is an excerpt from their latest article in the Relationship & Family section – I left out the best parts here so you will check it out there.
“I’m sorry.” Two simple words and yet two of the hardest to say. We easily utter them in response to trivial matters like accidentally jostling a stranger on the subway or giving the cashier the wrong change. Yet in important matters and to those who mean the most to us, we can find ourselves practically choking on the words. But the inability to apologize can critically wound all of our relationships, from home to work. Learning how to properly apologize is a necessary step in moving from boy to man.
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